Dogs of Orninica Read online

  Hey, I haven't even made the most exciting announcement yet. We've received special dispensation from the government to bypass the new 'tree-less tomorrow' initiative. The logger-bots will fly right past the islands, without felling a single tree. So the resort will be the last public place on earth where you can still see trees in their natural habitat. Though of course, we will be cordoning each tree off and posting guards as a health and safety precaution.

  As a favor to an old producer friend who helped me get my start in this business, I agreed to film an extended cameo in the upcoming cinematic adaptation of the classic television show 'Tales From The Hamster Wheel'. I played a dirty cop lost in a sea of guilt and self-pity. I don't want to spoil anything, but I'll just say I got to hold a mighty interesting conversation with the grim-reaper. I directed all my scenes in the movie, and I'll also be contributing a musical piece I wrote and performed to the movie's soundtrack, so keep an eye out for it. It was a lot of harmless fun. I agreed to do it for only half my usual quote, so it was really for a good cause.

  One more important thing I'd like to talk about before I log out, I'm extremely happy with the performance of the new TongueFresh Ultra ® aerosol antiperspirant. It keeps me fresh and drool-free all day. It's so effective that you only need to make two applications through the day, once in the morning and once in the evening. That's right, no more sneaking off to the bathroom in the middle of the day to top up your application. If TongueFresh Ultra ® is good enough for Harvey Fidelbrook, with his busy globe-trotting schedule, it's good enough for you. And it's soon to come in Lemon Scented.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Grand Bishop

  My pups. A lot of my congregates ask me what can be done about the Nureongi dilemma. It's a very difficult issue, but I will attempt to address it in terms that the average dog can understand. The famished Nureongi, running around their unkempt forests, killing foul vermin for sustenance, may look like primitive specimens of Canidae erectus from a distance, but they are anything but. You can't expect a race of dogs evolved from dirty caged livestock to be spiritual beings. These godless carnivorous yellow savages might not have any chance at entering the great cave in the stars, but they could at least adopt some semblance of civilized manners.

  At the very least, they could sheath their tongues and dock their grossly offensive tails so as to not offend their dignified neighbors in the West. If we all have to live together on this planet, they should be required to make some effort to fit in and not cause offense to us proud man-fearing Orninicans that continue to demonstrate our great patience by tolerating their savage ways.

  Talking of accepting different cultures, I'm very saddened by the renewed violence between our faithful and the followers of the misguided Modern Church of Soupman. As unfortunate as their worship of a non-human alien is, it is no cause for the increasingly vicious attacks on their temples, homes and places of work.

  It is true that the Soups are blasphemous heretic mongrels, with shameful customs, and eccentric hedonistic lifestyles, but by spilling their blood, we dirty our hands, and offend the Master of all masters, the holy lord Bahman. We mustn't forget that Bahman, while never afraid to meter out painful punishment upon wayward sinners, was vehemently opposed to killing. Whenever a pistol was pointed at him, he would take it to pieces, cast it onto the floor and curse it for its deadly power.

  I notice it has become harder to tell a Soup on the street from a Bahmanite. Increasingly, they leave the red capes they've always worn so arrogantly at home, only donning them on religious holidays. If all Bahmanites would wear their blessed black cowls everyday, and especially after dusk as the holy books advise, it would be much easier to tell us apart from the Soups.

  While on the topic of Soups, a new Soup-run restaurant just opened on Rover Avenue, 'Grover's', though you wouldn't be able to tell just by looking at it. The decal and menu seems to be deliberately secular. However, I spoke to the manager and he had a clear Soup arrogance in his eyes, talking in a casual manner to me, without any of the respect I'd expect a devout fellow believer to give to his Grand Bishop. My suspicions were confirmed when the waitress told me the restaurant would remain open on the holy holiday next Monday.

  Despite the rudeness of this particular proprietor, it's good to see our two cultures living together peacefully in what was always a purely Bahmanite community. The Soups are certainly spreading out across the country like wildfire lately.

  When the great Founder, Rex found the holy scriptures in the underground man-made cavern he fell into while tending his cornfield, and transcribed the historical accounts of the great journeys of Bahman and his prophets from the detailed illustrations within the books, he of course never intended for us to worship Soupman; an alien visitor from a distant world with various inhuman powers. Soupman was merely a prophet of the great lord, Bahman, Master of masters and purveyor of justice. True, Soupman may have resembled a man on the surface, but his blood was purely alien.

  Though obviously the original scripture picture-books were tragically lost centuries ago, the detailed transcriptions found within our Holy Testimony prove without a doubt that Bahman was the leader of man. For example, in Bahman 423:19, the First Master leads the destitute homeless children out of the dark alley and into the light. Bahman cries a a single tear for their suffering. He embraces the children in his arms and they are saved.

  Further evidence of Bahman's supreme generalship is the recent discovery that the word 'ba' means 'first' in the ancient human tongue, while 'soup' has been clearly proven to be a type of liquid broth humans consumed with their meals. It is entirely probable that Soupman was in fact Bahman's personal chef. This would certainly explain why so many Soups today choose to work in the food service industry.

  I want to talk a little bit to any of our Soup brothers and sisters that may be reading. It is important that you listen to what I'm about to say with an open mind. Do not dismiss my words outright out of fear. Your messiah is not of this earth. Think about what that means. Soupman's people didn't nurture and protect us for generations as our humans did, they did not give us incredible gifts and teach us how to correctly organize a society and meter out justice. All Soupman did was shoot red beams of light out of his eyes, flying above mere mortals like some kind of vengeful demon. How can the common man relate to such an all-powerful otherworldly force?

  Does it not make sense to instead welcome Bahman into your hearts? To embrace the king of all humans, seeder of all dogs as your mighty and wise savior? Man didn't leave us the earth to have us just turn around and insult his sage legacy by worshiping an extraterrestrial deity who was ten times more foreign to them than a simpleminded Nureongi is to us. Would you worship a damned Nureongi? I think not. I implore you, join the Bahmanites and be cleansed of your sin. It isn't difficult to allow yourselves to be saved, all that is needed is the will to do it.

  Something that has been troubling me of late is a small group of students calling themselves the 'Dogs Are Carnivores Movement'. They foolishly claim that our natural diet consists solely of the raw carcasses of filthy animals. The only supposed evidence they put forward to justify these frivolous claims is the shape of our teeth and the supposed organization of our digestive systems. These students have been seen multiple times by my parishioners collecting roadkill on the highway to feed on!

  I think it would be obvious to any reasonable dog that our teeth are sharp and extended so that we could easily crack nuts in our mouths before the discovery of the nutcracker. I must plead with these poor naive students to go back to their natural staple diet of corn, wheat and carrots marinated in a well-cooked broth of bovine juices before the affect on their health, and indeed, on their everlasting souls is permanent and irreversible. Be logical, my children. Generations of time-tested custom cannot be wrong. You are young and naive, and when you reach my age, you will no doubt reflect back and realize how foolish you were being.

  It is of utmost importance that young dogs do not deviate from th
e established grain, further splitting our families into factions that defy dogma and deny the time-honored wisdom of the one true sect. We can not build partitions around ourselves, thinking that we are somehow special, or better than regular 'old fashioned' Bahmanites. We do not and can never have the power to declare ourselves wiser than our elders, or more enlightened than our ancestors. This isn't progress, it's blasphemy. And it will lead to eternal hellfire. You must fear this type of change, you must resist this so-called progress. Or the price will no doubt be your everlasting soul.

  We can especially never surpass man, we cannot build a civilization greater than his. Such a notion is foolhardy beyond belief. How can mere dogs pretend to hold the power to outreach their makers? It is an absolutely preposterous notion and no good can come of it. On this issue, there can be absolutely no debate.

  Do these poor simple naivetés not understand the concept of burning eternally in hellfire? Is it not getting through their thick skulls? Bahman is spectacularly just, truly, but he is also vengeful and raging when he is spited. His fury knows no limits, and to play with his patience is pure folly.

  Certainly, some will call me a scaremonger, some will ignore my warnings. But I didn't get to be Grand Bishop by some random accident. I was chosen by the crusader of divinity, the great and divine Bahman himself, and that is all you need to know, to trust that I represent his will. To deny Bahman's will is to deny all that is good and sacred in this life and the next.

  Bahman came to me all those years ago, he put his gloved hand upon my shoulder and my knee, and he told me I would be his new Grand Bishop. He guided me to the holy hall and he removed the eternal belt from its case. He strapped it to my waist and told me I was to take guardianship of it. He removed the majestic black cape from its stand and sheathed my shoulders with it. He peeled off my simple cowl and replaced it with the glimmering hallowed cowl from the case. He told me I was ready to lead the faithful in his divine path. I was his chosen one. Only I could represent his will in the earthly realm. To deny me is to deny Bahman and his prophets and everything blessed and good and just.

  I started this blog in order to better connect with my flock, and it has been a great help in spreading the good word across the world. But it's not enough if just believers read it, I need all of you to spread my teachings far across the net, linking non-believers on frivolous hobby forums, romance novel discussion groups, news-commenting sites and wherever else you can think of to push this blog and the cardinal wisdoms I spread within it. Quote my teachings far and wide. We must steer the mislead towards the light.

  And don't forget to click the donate button on your way out.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Journalist

  Premature pups all over the nation are dying. The shortage of essential minerals and nutrients needed for the care of these innocents continues. It is continuing to be reported that the much-needed nutritive treatments are being bought up before they hit the open market by popular celebrities that use them as part of their daily beauty routine to help maintain their youthful exuberance. The minerals are especially useful at removing bags from under the eyes, and warding off unsightly wrinkles. A statement from a screen actor's guild spokes-dog acknowledged the problem and said that the pharmaceutical companies need to take action to increase the supply of the treatments.

  Luxury automaker Braniso have announced they won't be complying with the environmental commission's recent ban on the highly-explosive and polluting air-conditioning refrigerant used in their exquisite first-class automobiles. A spokes-dog for the highly respected company pointed out that the available alternatives to the dangerous gas resulted in a lesser air-cooling experience that didn't meet with their premium standards. The spokes-dog asserted that Braniso drivers are eminent executives and legislators that expect a “constant icy cool blast” to get them through their busy days. “A lesser coolant just wouldn't cut it”. The government is expected to issue the company with an exemption to the new regulation as soon as possible.

  There have been incidents where Branisos have backfired at intersections and the dangerous coolant has been sprayed onto pedestrians, but these incidents are few and far between, and only rarely fatal. In ordinary circumstances, the chemical is only explosive in high speed collisions. Though the coolant is 1400 times more polluting than carbon dioxide, the low numbers of Branisos on the roads more than justify its use in top-of-the-line motors. A representative of the International Braniso Drivers Society has applauded the historic auto-maker's strong stance against what it calls 'environmental tyranny'.

  Last week we took a look at some of the exclusive Braniso models driven by noted celebrities and asked you to vote for your favorite. Movie star Harvey Fidelbrook's one-of-a-kind monogrammed crystal-skinned XL-ENS SUV won the vote handily. Oil magnate Georgie Balase was the runner up with his gold plated, diamond-studded 60th Anniversary Celebration VT-Sport Classic XSX. Both those guys can take me for a ride any day.

  World famous celebrity chef Lady Nice suffered sudden cardiac arrest last night as she taped her popular cooking show. She is currently recovering after emergency bypass surgery. We understand the segment she was taping featured a wonderful dish made from layers of pancakes, caramel and vanilla frosting, all covered with corn-syrup. We hope she has a speedy recovery.

  State officials have added three more words to the live trigger-words list. From now on, the words 'citizen', 'paper bag' and 'pole' are considered potentially hostile and off limits. 'Citizen' is considered offensive to the migrant workers of mainland Orninica. These migrants are legally employed by Orninican businesses and should be treated as equals, even though they don't qualify as full nationals. The C word is considered very offensive to these individuals.

  'Paper bag' and 'pole', on the other hand, are considered to be disruptive words because of the public defecation connotations they carry. The words will be automatically added to your sets in the coming days, so be sure to watch your language. Including the latest additions, 7987 off-limits words and phrases have been added to the trigger list so far.

  The Supreme Court has ruled that pharmaceutical companies are now exempt from most lawsuits brought against them by consumers. In a 5-4 vote, the supreme court overturned a lower court's ruling in favor of the unfortunate individual that was affected by a flesh-eating side effect of a popular sleeping aid. She was left permanently disfigured over most of her body. This adverse and rare reaction wasn't listed on the warning label of the drug, and the patient received compensation in the earlier ruling. She now has to pay back the compensation. The drug companies will be fully exempt from lawsuits concerning fraud, mislabeling, side-effects and accidental death. Profits are expected to explode now that the companies are at long last buffered from costly frivolous lawsuits. Both drug manufacturers and investors are celebrating the historic ruling.

  Various consumer advocacy groups are also very pleased with the new ruling. In theory, the price of a wide assortment of pharmaceuticals could very well plummet now that costly over-cautious testing will no longer be necessary before releasing a new product on the market.

  The government has announced that the new national seed registry is a booming success. There are currently forty varieties of different plants listed in the approved database. All gardeners are reminded to only use registered seeds and plants. If you’ve saved seeds from your own garden that aren’t on the list, and want to plant them next season, you’ll need to register them with the newly formed National Botanical Variety Agency first. A fee applies for every variety you attempt to register. It will take no more than eighteen months for the agency to inform you of whether or not your submission is approved for planting. The penalty for non-compliance can include incarceration and a sizable fine, so be sure to garden wisely.

  Ever since the devastating suicide attack on flight H-78 a year ago, committed by three radicalized Orninican women returning from abroad, having had liquid explosives injected into their breast implants, the Internationa
l Transit Security Agency has painstakingly examined a total of one-hundred-million pairs of breasts at transit hubs all over the world. The agency celebrated the milestone with a low key gathering at their headquarters in the Oji desert. Thank you, brave ITSA agents for keeping our skies safe.

  An elementary school in the local suburb of Cloverton has been praised for its great success at improving security through a simple, yet groundbreaking safety measure. Its principal, Myron Navers, instituted a policy that requires students to kneel down on one knee after every recess, waiting several minutes for principal Navers to inspect them and grant them permission to return to their classes. This 'positive behavior intervention' is estimated by Mr. Navers to have improved order and security in the school by an impressive 9%. It is expected that the safety measure will be expanded to other schools around the nation shortly.

  A local young couple hoping to name their newborn son 'Messiah' were disappointed yesterday, as their request was denied by city hall. “We're both big fans of Bahman and his good deeds, and we wanted to pay tribute to him by naming our first pup Messiah Jackson-Melps. There was no offense intended, and we think city hall is overacting. Their suggestion that we name our boy something similar sounding, like 'Lassie', isn't helpful at all,” new father Rolo Melps told the Post. City hall refuses to compromise, insisting that 'Messiah' doesn't appear on the list of approved names.

  Could Harvey Fidelbrook have found love again? Multiple witnesses at the opening of his newest glitzy eatery saw him sitting with, and affectionately whispering in young starlet Brenda Hey's ear, while his hand rested somewhere beneath the table, perhaps on her leg. The photos show the glamorous actress smiling ear to ear as Harvey personally serves her a plate of delicious caviar and kibble. When asked for a statement, the publicists for both personalities declined to comment.