Dogs of Orninica Read online

  CHAPTER NINE

  Doctor

  Valued board members, I've finally realized a solution to our waste-disposal situation. As you know, the high cost of removing the nuclear waste from our power plants is biting into the bottom line. As we have interests in both the pharmaceutical industry, and nuclear power, why not combine the two? I'm actually kicking myself for not thinking of it sooner. We can turn the waste from the nuclear power plant into an over-the-counter nutritional supplement.

  As per routine, I can use my standing as a highly esteemed medical doctor to give it my seal of approval, and we'll have our good friends in the National Food and Drug Department approve it for sale as soon as possible.

  Of course, if we're to reach sales figures high enough to package and sell 100% of the waste product as a medical aid, we'll need to sell to the state. We can follow the usual tactic and lobby to have them add it to the water supply and staple foods. Certainly, it'll make a fine ingredient to add to the atmospheric geo-engineering initiative. Maybe even push it as a fire retardant, and write up a law requiring developers to coat building materials with it. It can be applied to bedding, clothing, toys... The sky's the limit.

  I'll have one of the PR flunkies write up the copy describing the many positive effects of... Let's call it 'calciumme' or something, superficially linking it to calcium. “Growing pups need their calciumme,” no one can take issue with that in a public forum and be taken seriously.

  We'll of course also need to scramble to market some new drugs and treatments to benefit from whatever side effects come from consuming the sludge. Those profits alone should be immense.

  You might have noticed a little law being pondered in parliament yesterday, outlawing grass-eating once and for all. It cost us a lot of money, but I truly think this law will benefit us in the long run. Anything a dog can treat his maladies with without paying for it is just bad for business.

  We released a series of stories in various news outlets calling attention to the addictive and sedative properties in grass, and engineered some paid protests in major cities against grass-use. There wasn't much response from the actual public, but with skillful editing, the media showed the world a hefty outcry against grass-use coming from an outraged populace.

  We need to further our efforts in outlawing every preposterous natural remedy that's ever been used by these freeloading witch doctors anywhere in the world. We must safeguard the great institutions that grant us our comforts.

  I'm thinking we'll leave grass outlawed for a few years, until dogs forget it used to be free, and then eventually allow it to be grown and sold only by specialized grass clinics that we hold the exclusive government contact to operate. It's the only way to monetize this common weed. But of course, we'll first need to alter the genes so that it doesn't actually treat anything, and enhance the addictive and sedative properties. And it goes without saying, add in some toxic genes to further advance our interests in the thriving cancer industry.

  Meanwhile, the chemical companies are making a killing selling herbicides to the cities, that are frantically covering every patch of lawn with the liquid to prepare for the passing of the new law, so we're going to want our rightful cut of that. I'm meeting with the chem-co captains to negotiate our percentage tomorrow night.

  Our profits are going to be unprecedented in the years ahead. When my dear departed grandfather started this company, he could never have imagined how far we'd come. Our path has been hard-fought, but with my guidance, we're finally at the top and it feels gosh-darn great. Thanks to our new promotional campaign featuring larger than life celebrity Harvey Fidelbrook, my grandfather's very first product, TongueFresh Ultra ® is now the number one antipersperant in the world. And we're making a killing selling the associated chemotherapy machines to the hospitals. Congratulations to all of us.

  However, if we want to really rake in the profits, we need to launch a marketing campaign to convince civilized dogs everywhere to spray TongueFresh on more than just their tongue. I'm thinking the anus and genital areas would be good candidates, it's always easy to convince the public to find some shame there. Maybe even launch a new AnusFresh and CrotchFresh line to get them to buy three cans at a time instead of one. I can already see the commercials playing in my mind, that jingle practically writes itself.

  We can especially target the marketing towards the video-game playing crowd. The more hours of couch-sitting the customer does, the more he's going to need to freshen his big putrid bottom up. I guarantee those characters have some extremely musty behinds, that can make us richer than ever. And let's not forget how much of the population spends every day sitting in a cubicle. I want every single office worker in the world aiming a tube of AnusFresh at his behind at least three times a day by next year.

  Our viral marketing campaign to promote dental-bubblegum over toothbrushes and toothpaste is a booming success. All over the country, pups and adults alike are throwing away their toothbrushes in favor of our much more convenient and tasty alternative. The blue flavor is especially popular, but orange is making great inroads in the minority communities.

  The bad news, however, is that our toothpaste-making competitors are not happy. They are making demands that we feature a disclaimer on the packages warning that the bubblegum must be used in combination with an Orninican Dental Association approved toothpaste. I'm afraid we will have to accommodate them if we expect to keep the peace. They have a lot of influential politicians in their pockets that could really hurt our bottom line if they chose to.

  But let's be realistic, it's not like anyone in our target demographic is going to be reading any labels on the product anyway. If they did, they'd read the list of ingredients we put in the gum and never dare put the vile stuff in their chubby little mouths.

  The chemical additives in the bubblegum, when combined with the antiperspirant, increase the rate of cancerous growths in the mouth, throat and stomach exponentially. So you can see how absolutely vital it is that the market penetration we get with this new product be as high as possible. The cancer business is our real bread and butter, anything else we involve ourselves with is just the cherry on top of a glorious giant gold tumor.

  One of our labs is currently hard at work putting together the most deadly influenza virus ever manufactured. It has the potential to cause countless fatalities all over the planet once it's released into the wild. There's currently a promising 35% fatality rate among the test subjects, but we're trying to climb it into the 50% range before we release the strain. We're currently negotiating to sell the vaccine to this medical marvel to every government worldwide, it could really give our company the kick in the pants it's been needing to climb out of this dreadful recession.

  The benefits of this new strain certainly outweigh the potential dangers, such as the possibility that the virus could mutate beyond our control and stop responding to the vaccination. As long as we avoid straying into slums and social housing projects, I'm sure we'll be just fine.

  As per norm, there will be one vaccine made available to the general public, and also a secret B vaccine with none of the horrible toxic side effects. The B vaccine will be issued solely to our families, a few of our invaluable employees, and a list of untouchable VIPs provided to us by the government. Please be sure to take the B vaccine as soon as it is issued to you, we wouldn't want to risk losing any of you fine folk. And when the A vaccine is administered at the schools, be sure to inform your local school that your pups have already been inoculated.

  I've always said that family must always come first, and this has always been a proud family company since day one. We care deeply about all your pups, after all, they are our future.

  Our lobbyists are currently working to woo the government into implementing my plan to strip families of their tax and welfare benefits if they refuse to vaccinate their offspring. It's very worrying that 1.4% of the population are actively resisting vaccination, we can't let this irresponsible behavior continue, or the number c
ould continue to grow. The government agrees, but the politicians will all need the monetary incentive to change the law. We'll need to join forces with our competitors to buy enough influence.

  The mammogram machines we've been selling to all the airports, ports, bus and train stations are really starting to come into profit thanks to frequent travelers. But it's not enough to only be irradiating females, we need to put our heads together and come up with a way to get more machines built and sold that target male passengers. We'll probably need another terrorist attack to justify it, maybe this time we can have a foreign plastic surgeon advertise bargain prices for testicular implants? Well, I'm sure we can come up with a better plan than that, but we’ll keep it on the drawing board.

  We're also doing good business with our reward card program that rewards patients with cash money for every five medical scans they receive, or every fifteen prescriptions they have filled at pharmacies. It's had a great effect at encouraging poorer patients to make full use of their health insurance. We should start thinking about expanding the program to other territories, and increasing the rewards we offer. There are some cases where healthy patients are getting up to a hundred unneeded medical scans a year. It really pays off over time, when the radiation builds up inside them enough.

  On a more personal note, I want to thank you all for coming to the little get-together my wife threw for me on Saturday. We were very pleased to see you all there, and hope you had as good a time as we did. Karaoke!

  CHAPTER TEN

  Mother

  I'm sorry I haven't written for so long, I've just been swamped. I'm actually working three jobs now if you can believe it, and it's still barely enough to get by really. We just renovated the kitchen since it got declared unsafe by the municipality, making the payments on that hasn't been easy. Bib is working overtime almost everyday, and I'm at work so much I never even see the pups. It was their birthday the other day and by the time we got home, they'd fallen asleep. We had to wake them up to give them their presents.

  It's really crazy lately, Joy. Between the student loans, the mortgages and the car payments, the college fund for the pups, the life insurance, health insurance, my cosmetic surgery, the power bill, and of course it's tax season again... We're really not sure where we're going to get the money to pay for that. Last time, Bib and I had to basically stop eating for a month. The food stamps help, but it's never enough for all of us. A lot of times, we have to sell them to a neighbor of ours just to get gas money. We try not to use the cars, it's gotten so expensive to run them. But when you're working three jobs, you need to get across town in record time, so waiting around for the bus isn't really an option. Not that a bus ticket is very affordable anyway. Two of my jobs together don't even pay enough to cover the bus passes and school lunches for the pups.

  I know, bitch, bitch, bitch. It seems like that's all I ever do when I write you now, but I guess I don't really have anything else to talk about. My whole life is kind of a big ball of bitch. I don't remember the last time I could just clear my head of all the buzzing and urgency and just collect my thoughts. Probably while we were still in high school.

  Whenever I get a free moment, I watch the cooking channel. I always scribble down the recipes in my notebook, but who am I kidding really? I'm never going to have the time to cook. Unless you count a can of cream corn emptied into the microwave.

  Bib always tells me, when we retire, we'll get to do all the things we want to do. We'll finally be free to pursue the things we actually enjoy. But honestly, who retires any more? We'll probably be working well into our eighties just to survive, until we get too sick to keep going. It's not like we have any kind of a pension plan or money in the bank. I think it's just easier for him to feel like he's working towards something, like it'll all be worth it when, one day we can finally jump up and say, “That's it. No more working. Now we can just relax and be together and sing karaoke and laugh and eat and lounge about in the sun.”

  I always give him a little squeeze when he gets that sparkle in his eye, dreaming about us all wrinkled and happy, dancing on the deck of a cruise boat or what have you. It's sweet that he still has that hope alive inside him. When we first got married, I thought things would be a lot different, but I was kind of naive. Life isn't really about your own happiness.

  You basically get eighteen years where you get to be idle. Outside of school anyway, you pretty much got to do whatever you wanted. Not that we had many interests back then, mostly just listening to music and shopping. But it seemed like we had all the time in the world, didn't it?

  Remember boredom? Actually having enough free time to feel bored? That's what I miss the most, really. I don't know what I'd give to go back to being sixteen, sitting in the back of class complaining to you about being bored off my tiny little ass. I'd probably give it all, really. The house, the cars, the credit cards. The piles and piles of debt. I'd give it all away if I could just go back to being bored again.

  I know I sound ungrateful. I mean, I have a good life. Great pups, a loving hard-working husband, good steady employment, a big house in a good, safe neighborhood. It's as good a life as anyone can ask for, really. It's not like I'm a starving Nureongi sneaking around a forest trying to catch a squirrel to feed her hungry litter. For all intents and purposes, I'm living the Orninican dream, and I'm thankful, really.

  But just between you and me, I always thought there'd be... I don't know. Just something more, you know? I just don't feel complete somehow. Honestly, it's a good thing that I'm so busy everyday, or I'd think about it a lot more, and it would probably leave me in tears.

  It's so foolish really, it's not like I can put my finger on what exactly is missing from my life. On paper, I have everything. And Bib is always happy, he has his fantasies of a perfect future to hold him over. But when I take off my iYglass and collapse into bed at the end of the day, in those two minutes before I fall asleep and the dream-inducer kicks in, I think, can this really be all there is? Is this the life we were always meant to live? We only ever get to talk through text messages really, and it's always about the pups or the bills. Were our parents lives this loony?

  I don't know if you remember this, but before I went to college, I spent my last summer working on a farm while you were traveling the tropics. It was really tedious work, just pulling weeds, planting seeds, spreading fertilizer, picking vegetables. But I had so much time to think. After a few days, I got into a rhythm and the work was pretty much automatic, and I could just spend all day daydreaming while I worked. Of course, that was before iYglass. But it felt so right somehow, I don't know how to explain it. My hands in the dirt, the sun shining on me, birds singing, and all my thoughts filled with wondrous anticipation for my adult life that was about to start. Kept in great shape, too, without even trying.

  I'm not saying I wish we lived on a farm, I can't imagine the kind of dull lifestyle farmers must have, but I don't know, there has to be something I can do where I can feel as good as I felt working on that farm, but still get to keep the house, the pricey gadgets, the fake boobs and the fancy shoes, you know?

  I'm still using the iYglass 6 when the new model has been out for almost a year now. It's getting pretty embarrassing. Hopefully we'll be able to trade up soon or everyone is going to think we're broke. The pups got the iY7 free from their school, so that's one less thing we have to worry about affording.

  It's good that the government is spending our tax money on things that are actually useful for a change. They spent a couple years building this bridge downtown, that doesn't even go anywhere. You drive across it and there's nothing there but the back of a building, not even a door or anything, and you just have to do a u-turn to get back to the road. It's kind of freaky.

  I guess they've got to keep the construction crews busy somehow. But if you don't know any better, and you go on the bridge and there are other cars behind you, there's no space to turn around and you're basically stuck. I was passing by the other day and they were usi
ng a crane to get cars out of there. I think they closed the bridge since then. It's too bad they couldn't have had those construction guys renovate our kitchen for free instead. But life isn't fair, is it?

  I hope that when we do finally finish paying off the house, we won't be too old to live in it. I don't want to have to move into a nursing home while we're still paying the mortgage every month, that would be depressing.

  Bib keeps talking about how he wants us to buy a holiday home somewhere near the beach in a couple of years. It would be great for the pups to get to go swimming all summer long, they'd get a lot more exercise than they do now. He thinks we can get a really good deal too, now that the banks have such low interest rates for second home mortgages. It would be really amazing, laying in a hammock on the deck, listening to the waves. Okay, I know we wouldn't be able to get a place close enough to the beach to actually hear the ocean, but you know, maybe we'd hear seagulls or something? We'd at least get the ocean breeze.

  The pups hardly ever use the pool, I don't remember the last time someone took a swim in it. We might have to just leave the tarp over it all through summer, it just isn't worth the upkeep, really. They promised they'd use it everyday when we had it installed, but you know how fickle pups are. Ever since they got their iYglasses, they won't even think about taking them off, and they break if you get them even a little bit wet, so they don't go near the pool. They need to make iYglass waterproof already.

  Bib really wanted to have all these barbecue parties with the neighbors around the pool every weekend, grilling corn and making polite chitchat, but we're just too busy. If we are home on the weekend, we're too exhausted to leave the bed.